Habits That Hurt: How Autopilot Mode Fuels Family Conflicts

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Ong Yi Xue

Some of you may have heard the saying “I am on autopilot mode”, usually relating to day-to-day tasks where we just go about our daily lives without deliberate, conscious thought and attention (Harms, 2023). We just eat, work/study, sleep, and repeat. This is a familiar and comfortable feeling that results in ingrained patterns. 

But did you know that our “autopilot mode” could be activated even in family conflicts? This autopilot mode refers to the automatic and habitual behaviours or reactions that we exhibit during stressful or tense family interactions, often without deliberate thoughts. 

Characteristics of Autopilot Mode (Zagefka et al., 2020)

• Emotional reactivity: Quick and instinctive responses driven by emotions like defensiveness, irritation, and anger. This may come in the form of shutting down, withdrawing from the conflict, or lashing out immediately. 

• Repetitive patterns: Family conflicts often follow predictable cycles where we observe similar triggers, responses, and outcomes. This is perpetuated by the habitual roles like “the peacemaker” or “the critic”. 

• Lack of awareness: Family members often do not fully realize the recurring patterns and how the habitual reactions maintain or escalate their conflicts. 

Examples of Families in Autopilot Mode 

• An individual avoids difficult conversations by shutting down or ignoring their spouse.

• A parent automatically raises his/her voice when his/her child is not listening.

• A child rushing to stop his/her parents from fighting at every argument. 

• Family members engage in similar blame-shifting arguments without engaging in constructive discussions on underlying issues. 

Reasons for Autopilot Mode (Lebow et al., 2019)

• Negative feedback loop: Pattern of interactions between family members that maintains the status quo – keeping the family functioning as it is. Many times, we choose to keep things the way it is because it is familiar and comfortable to us. However, it does not always reflect healthy family functioning.  

  • “He does not want to talk to me properly so I do the same”. 

• Role reinforcement: The feedback loop represents our family dynamics, which then reinforce our internalized roles in the family, resulting in automatic responses. 

  • “I am the peacemaker, so I must stop the fight now”.

• Emotional baggage: Our unmet needs and unresolved emotions often drive automatic responses. Our inner turmoil shows up in our behaviours. 

  • “I just want to be seen, that’s why I shout to get their attention”.  

• Past conditioning: Seeing how our parents or caregivers interact during family conflicts when we were young could result in social learning, where we instinctively mirror patterns in our families. 

Effects of Autopilot Mode (Caughlin & Gerlikovski, 2023)

• Persistent or escalated conflicts: Automatic reactions often lead to similar or worse unresolved conflicts, unless one aspect of the family system changes. You may find yourselves thinking: “Why is the same thing happening again and again?”

• Miscommunication or no communication: Our automatic responses do not always represent our genuine intentions since it is often in the “spike of the moment”. This could then lead to misunderstandings and unspoken needs. 

• Strained relationships: Not having the space to understand each other beyond our automatic responses could affect the intimacy and trust in the family. 

• Difficult feelings: Feelings of guilt and blame towards our unintended, automatic responses could arise post-conflicts as we realise how our responses may have worsened the family’s state. 

Breaking Free From Autopilot Mode

• Perspective shift (Lebow et al., 2019)

  • Recognise that every family member has the capability to improve the family dynamics, as we co-exist in a family system where changes in a subsystem result in the “ripple effect” in the other systems. It is not “Me versus him/her” rather, it is “Us versus the problem”. 

  • Acknowledge that what has been familiar and comfortable in the family is not always healthy, especially if conflicts keep reoccurring. Sometimes, breaking the family’s homeostasis, the “status quo”, is unfamiliar and uncomfortable but necessary for healthier family functioning.

• Mindful awareness (Aye et al., 2016)

  • Reflect on past conflict patterns to identify our triggers and habitual behaviours. 

  • Take a few seconds to pause before responding quickly, as it allows us to notice our emotional and physical reactions, and if our automatic responses are helpful or hurtful. 

  • Practice grounding or deep breathing techniques which could be useful in managing emotional reactivity and automatic responses. 

• Intentional communication (Aye et al., 2016)

  • Reflect as a family what were the roles, rules, or communication tools that had served us as a family but were no longer useful in resolving family conflicts. Discuss alternative, healthier techniques and roles that could be helpful to try in enhancing family functioning. 

  • Use “I” statements to express our thoughts and feelings without assigning blame immediately – “I feel hurt when/because…”. 

  • Focus on listening and understanding what our family members would like to say first instead of responding defensively. 

• Understand each other’s needs (Lebow et al., 2019)

  • Coming from a place of curiosity could spark questions in wanting to understand what led to our family members’ difficult feelings or reactions – unresolved feelings and needs – and how they would like to be supported. 

  • Learning our family member’s love language could help us better understand how we would like to reciprocate care and love, especially during difficult interactions. 

• Seek professional help (Lebow et al., 2019)

  • Sometimes, family conflicts could hold deeply ingrained patterns that are difficult for families to resolve themselves. Professionals could provide a safe space for families to recognize and break negative patterns and learn healthy conflict strategies. 

In a natural and comfortable setting like our home, it is normal that we would be more honest with our wants and preferences, resulting in clashes with other family members. Conflicts are normal and even necessary, as they allow us to understand each other better, provided that we do so in a place of communication and understanding. This requires intentionality within ourselves and with others so that we are not entirely controlled by our automatic responses. Rather, intentionality is the remote control that we hold knowing what and how to communicate with our family members to convey our needs across. 

It takes time to recognize our “autopilot mode” and what has been helpful and unhelpful for us during family conflicts. Take it at your own pace and be kind to yourself, as we are all humans who are learning and growing.

References 

Aye, E. N., Akaneme, I. N., Adimora, D. E., Offorka, T. O., Robinson, A., Nwosu, P. O., & Ekwealor, F. N. (2016). Family conflict and managing strategies: Implication for understanding emotion and power struggles. Global Journal of Psychology Research: New Trends and Issues, 6(3), 148–159. 

Caughlin, J. P., & Gerlikovski, E. (2023). Conflict in family communication. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Communication. https://doi.org/10.1093/acrefore/9780190228613.013.1465

Harms, I. M. (2023). Distracted by familiarity: Implications of ‘autopilot’ as a default cognitive mode. Transportation Research Part F: Traffic Psychology and Behaviour, 99, 274–288. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.trf.2023.10.021

Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., & Breunlin, D. C. (2019). Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy. Springer. 

Zagefka, H., Jones, J., Caglar, A., Girish, R., & Matos, C. (2021). Family roles, family dysfunction, and depressive symptoms. The Family Journal, 29(3), 346–353. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480720973418