Loneliness: "Embracing Uniqueness: A Journey Out of the Loneliness Closet"

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Charmaine Chia

A few months ago, I grappled with the challenge of managing feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, stemming from job interview rejections that left me feeling insufficient. During this period, I stumbled upon the BTS song "Blue and Grey," and a particular lyric resonated deeply: "Where is my angel? At the end of the tiring day. Someone come and save me please." As the song played, expressing sentiments of solitude and emotional burden, I recognized a reflection of my own loneliness in dealing with inadequacy. I yearned for someone to rescue me from the isolation of handling these overwhelming emotions alone. 

Feeling fatigued from navigating these emotions independently, the accumulation of thoughts became overwhelming. I initially believed holding everything within provided a sense of safety, because narrating it to someone else would not make me feel vulnerable and I hated feeling weak in front of another human being. However, I realized that over time, this “safe” space became a repository for negative thoughts and emotions to manifest. I locked myself in this dark closet of despair, and felt convinced that no one is able to save me from this loneliness. 

Loneliness, initially perceived as handling challenges solo, gradually transformed into a persistent feeling of despair. One day, summoning courage, I stepped outside of that safe space, and talked to a friend about this feeling of despair. That’s when I realized this step became this small glimmer of hope that could diminish this overwhelming sense of loneliness. To me, the true fear wasn't loneliness itself, but the danger of becoming accustomed to it, accepting perpetual solitude. This acceptance made it harder to trust in genuine connections, leading to a negative spiral of self-isolation.

Loneliness, I observed, could stem from a sense of isolation, the burden of bearing everything alone, or feeling different from others and struggling to find a tribe. It seems that lonely people often felt like they could not really relate to the people around them, as they may see the world around them differently. A study by Baek et al. (2021) explored the mental processing of stimuli in lonely individuals, revealing dissimilar neural responses compared to their non-lonely peers. This divergence, I concluded, contributes to the loneliness experienced by individuals who cannot find like-minded companions.

The question arises: Should lonely people seek out like-minded individuals to alleviate these feelings of loneliness? I think realistically, it’s hard to find someone who is similar to you. In a bid to find someone who is similar to you, you will find that you have to mask yourself to somehow fit in, as you will realize that people around you are ultimately still different from you, and then you will still feel lonely.  While connecting with other individuals can reduce loneliness, lonely people tend to suffer from low self-esteem (Peplau, Miceli, & Morasch, 1982). Lonely individuals tend to attribute social failures to themselves (Anderson, Horowitz, & French, 1983), heightening self-consciousness (Cheek & Busch, 1981) and increasing the likelihood of doing things that make them more prone to being rejected by their social circle (Horowitz, 1983). Therefore, I feel it is not realistic to put up a mask in front of people and pretend to be someone you are not, it will only make you feel even lonelier and unable to forge genuine connections.  

If putting up a mask and pretending to be similar to people is not an option, how about embracing authenticity and allowing yourself to be imperfect? Since being imperfect and being perfect could land you a 50-50 chance of being rejected from people, why not be yourself? Being yourself is more comfortable and sometimes, it lands you in a sweeter spot to connect with people. Rather than meticulously filtering words and actions, being present in the moment and making mistakes sometimes can foster likability. According to Tenney et al. (2009), having similar undesirable traits plays a significant role in likability. Therefore, it’s not a matter of how similar you resonate with people, it’s a matter of how imperfect you are and how that matches with people. It seems to me that people like people who are imperfect, because they are not perfect themselves and it can be pressuring to hang out with a perfect individual. 

The solution to loneliness doesn't reside solely within oneself; it lies in cultivating interpersonal connections. It's vital to step outside one's comfort zone, overcoming fears of rejection and low self-esteem. Initiating authentic conversations can effectively break down barriers. For instance, a simple daily practice might involve approaching someone and inquiring about their day, sharing your own experiences. Even though individuals may not express it explicitly, reaching out may unknowingly rescue someone from loneliness.

Loneliness, a quiet epidemic, cannot be addressed in isolation; the remedy is found in the connections we establish with others. Instead of attempting to tackle loneliness in solitude, it's crucial to stop trying to handle everything yourself or be someone that you are not in front of people. Let go of the fact that you have to be perfect in front of people and seek connections by authentically presenting oneself, including your flaws.  There's a potential for attracting those who appreciate one's genuine self. It's a gradual process, and one day, someone might ask you to share the cool thing you are doing and do it together because they find whatever you are doing to be cool. 

Recently, I viewed an anime series called Yowamushi Pedal, where I encountered a character named Onoda. During his middle and elementary school years, Onoda had no friends; being an otaku who loved anime, he felt isolated. Upon entering high school, he actually wanted to seek out people who liked anime and form an anime club, so he can make friends. However, he found himself surrounded by peers with different interests who didn't share his passion for anime. Remarkably, Onoda chose not to change who he was to fit in with others. Despite the initial differences, his authenticity and passion for what he loved, including singing songs like "Love Hime," made him stand out. 

Here’s a clip of his friends and him singing love Hime in a road racing competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyl8id1mxMs Initially, his friends could not understand his behaviors at first, but Onoda maintained his joyful and genuine demeanor, not conforming to the confident and masculine norms of his newfound friends. His enthusiasm and authenticity drew people toward him, leading to the formation of genuine friendships with those who appreciated him for who he truly was.

Therefore, watching that anime made me affirm to myself and those reading this that, in due course, we will discover our tribe. Taking the first step outside your “safe” closet, embracing individuality, and daring to connect with diverse people can lead to genuine connections. Being authentic allows others to see the real you, paving the way for the formation of a tribe and the eventual alleviation of loneliness. 

References 

Tenney, E. R., Turkheimer, E., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2009). Being liked is more than having a good personality: The role of matching. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(4), 579–585. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2009.03.004 

Masi, C. M., Chen, H.-Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011, August 17). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and social psychology review : an official journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Inc. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3865701/ 

Baek, E. C., Hyon, R., López, K., Du, M., Porter, M. A., & Parkinson, C. (2021). Lonely individuals process the world in idiosyncratic ways. Psychological Science , 34(6). https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/yt872 

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