Showing Up While Honoring Our Well-Being

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Ong Yi Xue

You know how it is quite common for us these days to advise others to just show up even when they don’t feel like it because “Just showing up is half the battle”? I, for sure, gave myself the same advice when I did not feel like going to an exercise class after a long day. 

Sometimes, it can be hard to get going, accomplish what we need to do or interact, and it’s true that these days, showing up by itself is already an act that could take significant effort to do. 

Showing up looks different for everyone, and it could be, 

• Engaging in self-care, like journaling or getting out of bed.

• Fulfilling daily responsibilities like going to work, school, or making breakfast. 

• Engaging in social interactions after a long day at work. 

• Attending therapy even when we do not feel like it. 

• Trying something new. 

• And… many other little to big acts that we do in our daily lives. 

When showing up becomes our strength

• Showing up builds resilience (Gardner et al., 2012):

  • Consistently showing up, even during times when it is difficult or when we do not feel like it, allows us to foster and reinforce healthy habits. Slowly, we may realize that it is part of our routine and we no longer dread doing something as much as before – that’s where we see that our resilience is building up! 

• Showing up focuses on progress (Kiken et al., 2018): 

  • Showing up does not mean having to do or commit to something perfectly at 100%. It focuses on being present and doing what we can at that moment, at any %. 

• Showing up has a ripple effect: 

  • The process of learning to show up for ourselves allows us to gradually become more comfortable with the idea of showing up for others like engaging in social interactions. 

• Showing upholds our positive self-talk (Cascio et al., 2015): 

  • You know how we will exchange dialogues with ourselves like, “You just have to show up today, you can do it” or “Just show up, we’ll see how it goes from there”? This is a process of us affirming ourselves with positive self-talk, to take things one at a time by showing up first and believing in ourselves that we can show up.

Showing up, though powerful, is not as easy as it sounds. It can be hard for us to commit to showing up all of the time, and that’s okay. Sometimes, showing up could feel overwhelming or like a burden to some, especially when they are at their personal limits.

When showing up becomes our pressure 

• Showing up could evoke feelings of guilt (Luck & Luck-Sikorski, 2022): 

  • Many of us may feel guilty when we can’t live up to expectations, whether at work, in social life, or even in therapy. The idea of showing up is an expectation by itself, and not living up to it could make us feel that we have not done enough, have not tried our best, or that we could have done better. 

• Showing up could encourage overcommitment (Avanzi et al., 2014): 

  • Constantly reminding ourselves to show up could result in us taking up responsibilities or tasks and persisting through even when we are feeling “maxed out”. 

• Showing up can become a measure of external validation (Grady, 2020): 

  • Sometimes, we may choose to show up because we feel obligated to be available for others to be validated, especially if it comes with conditional factors like “If you care, you’ll be here”. Showing up then becomes the unspoken rule for external validation, rather than for personal growth. 

Hence, while it is often true that showing up is half the battle, it is also important for us to recognize what our personal limits are so that the act of showing up does not take a big toll on our well-being. This is where honoring our well-being comes into play. 

• Listening to your mind and body (Albulescu et al., 2022):

  • Pay attention to what your mind and body need, as they can manifest as signs and symptoms that we can often overlook, like our hearts racing, having little energy to move, reduced appetite and more. 

  • It can also be helpful to ask ourselves, “Am I pushing because I want to grow, or because I feel pressured?” 

• Knowing when to take a break (Albulescu et al., 2022): 

  • It is okay to take a break if showing up could cause more harm or discomfort than good. Taking a break is not failure but rather, choosing to prioritize long-term well-being. For instance, choosing to skip a party event after a tiring day, knowing that it will drain you further. 

• Setting realistic boundaries & expectations:

  • It is important that we do not expect ourselves to be at our optimal condition to show up every day as it is okay to say no and focus on recharging ourselves during the times when we are feeling low. 

• Redefine what “showing up” means to you: 

  • Showing up does not look the same for everyone in every situation. The act of showing up is already enough by itself because we are all going through different phases and hurdles in life. For instance, 

    • Showing up does not always mean being physically present, as it can also mean checking in when we have the capacity and offering support in different ways.

    • Showing up can be attending therapy on some days and resting at home on other days. 

• Having a healthy support system: 

  • Surrounding ourselves with loved ones who understand that sometimes, showing up is taking a step back to recharge. 

• Practicing self-compassion (Grady, 2020): 

  • Learning not to beat ourselves up when we choose not to show up. 

  • Reminding ourselves that taking a break is not a weakness, but having the self-awareness and love to put ourselves first when our body calls for it. 

Even though showing up takes courage, especially on the days when we don’t feel up to it, it takes just as much strength to recognize when we need to pause so that our well-being does not take a backseat. Let’s be kinder to ourselves in listening to our mind and body while going through the different waves of life as it is not always about pushing forward even when we are at our limits. 

Showing up matters, but so does resting. The most important thing is to honor where you are. 

References 

Albulesc, P., Macsinga, I., Rusu, A., Sulea, C., Bodnaru, A., & Tulbure, B. T. (2022). "Give me a break!" A systematic review and meta-analysis on the efficacy of micro-breaks for increasing well-being and performance. PLOS One, 17(8), Article e0272460. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0272460

Avanzi, L., Zaniboni, S., Fraccaroli, F., & Balducci, C. (2014). The relation between overcommitment and burnout: Does it depend on employee job satisfaction? Anxiety, Stress, and Coping, 27, 455–465. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10615806.2013.866230

Cascio, C. N., O’Donnell, M. B., Tinney, F. J., Lieberman, M. D., Taylor, S. E., Strecher, V. J., & Falk, E. B. (2015). Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 11(4), 621–629. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsv136

Gardner, B., Lally, P., & Wardle, J. (2012). Making health habitual: The psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice. British Journal of General Practice, 62(605), 664–666. https://doi.org/10.3399/bjgp12X659466

Grady, C. (2020, September 20). How to stop relying on external validation. https://www.chantellegrady.com/journal/2020/9/20/5-ways-to-stop-relying-on-external-validation

Kiken, L. G., Lundberg, K. B., & Fredickson, B. L. (2018). Being present and enjoying it: Dispositional mindfulness and savoring the moment are distinct, interactive predictors of positive emotions and psychological health. Mindfulness, 8(5), 1280–1290. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-017-0704-3

Luck, T., & Luck-Sikorski, C. (2022). The wide variety of reasons for feeling guilty in adults: findings from a large cross-sectional web-based survey. BMC Psychology, 10, Article 198. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-022-00908-3