Unlearn to Learn Again

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Ong Yi Xue

I stumbled upon a song recently, and its lyrics resonated with me:  

“Cause if I'm gonna learn how to love you

I need to unlearn how to love, too

Need to unlearn how to run when it feels right

If I'm gonna learn how to choose you

I need to unlearn what I'm used to”

Yes, at first glance, it may be a song about someone learning to love his/her partner. But upon pondering further, “you” could imply many meanings in our lives – a partner, a family member, a friend, an opportunity, and most importantly, ourselves. 

A part of who we are today is influenced by our past selves and experiences. They shape how we view the world, how we react to things, how we make our choices, and how we view our future. They also include our inner child, one that holds our core memories and wounds from young. For some, these experiences serve as a strong and meaningful anchor that guides them to their ideal way of life. However, for some, these experiences serve as a strong and poignant anchor that affects their way of life. It’s like being on a boat but constantly stopped by the anchor despite no longer going through the storm physically.  

Picking up and learning certain beliefs, values, and ways of life may not be all within our control since young. This may have led to us finding it hard to love ourselves, love others, or engage in meaningful or healthy behaviours. However, we still have the choice to unlearn and let go of some patterns that no longer serve us, help us or are unhealthy because we deserve a chance to live and love healthily again in the way we want to. 

Now, what exactly is unlearning? Unlearning does not mean to forget everything that we’ve been through and are used to, but rather, it is the process of (Åström et al., 2025; Plata, 2020): 

• Recognising our worldviews 

  • Understand our ingrained habits and beliefs, as well as areas of life where we may feel stuck or have little to no progress. 

    • Are there habits, values, opinions, or methods I hold onto out of comfort?

• Challenging our assumptions

  • Question our thoughts and behaviours, as well as open up to new perspectives that challenge our worldviews. 

    • Has this been helping me? Why have I been believing/doing it this way? 

• Being open to being a beginner

  • Challenging ourselves, discovering ourselves, and learning new ways of living can be an uncomfortable process as it is something new to us. This feeling of discomfort is normal, as embracing such discomfort allows us to grow out of our shell. 

    • Why is it uncomfortable for me? How does change feel like for me? What is something small that I can start with first? 

• Practicing curiosity 

  • Be curious about learning more about ourselves, just like how we are towards our loved ones. Instead of, “I know this already” or “There is no other way to approach this”, we can say: 

    • What can I learn? What could be the new ways towards this situation? 

• Taking small steps 

  • Unlearning is not about changing ourselves completely to someone new. Rather, unlearning and learning again could look like – noticing a small shift in one of our many thoughts or one of our many behaviours and noticing how we love ourselves a little more. 

This may also be how it looks when we engage in unlearning!: 

Why is unlearning important? (Klussman et al., 2022; Plata, 2020)

• Breaking ingrained patterns

  • While our ingrained patterns may have served us once, they may also be barriers to our growth. Imagine all of us having a mental closet: Only when we are able to let go of what no longer fits us will we be able to make room for what does. 

• Enhancing self-awareness 

  • Being in the process of unlearning and learning allows us to understand ourselves deeper as we get to explore why we act or think a certain way, what our worldviews are, and how we would like to develop ourselves.

• Fostering self-compassion 

  • When we are able to recognise what no longer serves us, we are more likely to be able to make intentional choices that contribute to our growth instead of only sticking to the same choices because we are used to them. In this process, we learn to put ourselves first. 

Unlearning to learn again can be a challenging journey for some of us, especially since it takes effort and energy for us to process difficult memories or experiences. Hence, the role of unlearning has always been part of the healing work in therapy where mental health professionals work with us in (Nakao et al., 2021): 

• Challenging unhelpful behaviours and negative relationship dynamics.

• Acknowledging and replacing negative self-talk. 

• Embracing our core selves with love and authenticity as we make choices intentionally for ourselves. 

Just the same as how we learn a new concept, a mathematical formula or a skill, this process takes time, and the pace of this process is different for everyone. 

Unlearning is an ongoing and complex process, as we may find it easier to unlearn some patterns while it is difficult for others. We may also find ourselves retracting back to our old patterns at times, and that is okay. What is important is mustering the courage in wanting to unlearn what we have been used to. Just as the song lyrics above suggest, we can learn how to love again and stand firm in what is right for us as we unlearn what our past selves have taught us. 

Remember, the ability to unlearn and learn again is the foundation of growth and transformation, and this is an innate ability that we all have in us. So, what will you want to unlearn today? 

References 

Åström, E., Eriksson Sörman, D., Sörqvist, P., & Ljungberg, J. K. (2025). The lifelong learner’s compass: Cultivating attitudes with self-reflection, openness, curiosity and motivation. Adult Education Quarterly, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/07417136241312174

Klussman, K., Curtin, N., Langer, J., & Nichols, A. L. (2022). The importance of awareness, acceptance, and alignment with the self: A framework for understanding self-connection. Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 18(1), 120–131. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.3707

Nakao, M., Shirotsuk, K., & Sugaya, N. (2021). Cognitive–behavioral therapy for management of mental health and stress-related disorders: Recent advances in techniques and technologies. BioPsychoSocial Medicine, 15, Article 16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13030-021-00219-w

Plata, M. (2020, April 25). The power of unlearning. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/202004/the-power-of-unlearning